The single most important decision I made every day during this time was to Keep my Eyes on Jesus as I limped through the race.
Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. (Hebrews 12:1-2)
As much pain as I was in, as hopeless as the situation seemed, as depressed as I became, as paralyzed as I was… I never stopped praying, reading scripture, or crying out to God.
My faith never wavered. And I kept my eyes on Jesus.
I know a lot of guys who after their world collapses, just walk away from faith. And I know even more who when their sexuality clashes with what the institutional church is saying… just walk away too.
I know way too many gay refugees from the church… including those who left the church I was at.
That thought never even crossed my mind.
For me, I knew that whatever the answer was… whatever the future was going to look like… it was going to be found in Jesus.
I also knew that whatever Jesus said to me about this issue, I would do. He is my Lord, and that trumps all else.
Luckily, through all of this, I learned to not just love God more — but to love God while also liking myself at the same time. I learned, too, to freely and fully accept God’s love for me as his child… something I had preached 1000 times to others, but had a hard time believing for myself.
And Jesus was faithful to me in the midst of the darkness.
He walked with me.
He sat with me.
He cried with me.
He was with me — and He was for me.
And I knew, that no matter what else I did, I had to keep my eyes on Him… or I would be lost.