Some days I feel like there are three me’s.
- ME #1 is the ME most people see.
- ME #2 is the ME most people don’t see.
- ME #3 is the ME I want to BE.
To be more specific:
ME #1: in many respects, well adjusted given all that has happened. Successful at school and work. Bit-by-bit re-building a normal life. This is the ME that can’t quite escape being a pastor — in a good way. People still confide in me, ask me to pray with them, look to me for wisdom. This is also the ME who is a leader and a teacher and a strategic thinker. The ME that is surprisingly successful at almost whatever he tries (surprising to me). And this is in many ways the real me that people have always known… and the best of me. Passionate, compassionate, optimistic, visionary, funny (in a kind of weird way), etc.
ME #2: Desperately sad and mildly depressed. Hurt, sad, and tired of the continual false accusations, lack of forgiveness, and mean attacks. This ME still wakes up everyday and has that first thought of “my life sucks — and always will.” This ME is often lonely, scared, sad, angry and hopeless. Now this ME is not more real than ME #1… but he is real nonetheless. I wish he wasn’t. I try to hide him from others and ignore him myself. Some days that works and ME #1 wins… other days ME #2 wins. The truth is that the relational losses I have experienced the past year are almost unbearable. There is really no other way to describe it. As I have written before, the whole process has been incredibly dehumanizing and painful. The continual rejection, lack of forgiveness, continuing false accusations, etc… and these things trigger cycles of negative thoughts that lead in a downward spiral. These are the days that ME #2 wins. Any day ME #2 wins is a bad day.
ME #3: The way I hope to be… and I get glimpses of this every once in a while. It is the authentic ME #1 without ME #2. It is all the things that I am (my SHAPE), but with even more authenticity, compassion for others, and grace towards others. It is ME #1, but with renewed passion, purpose, dreams, visions, and hopes.
Each day is a battle and I wish I could say it is getting easier. But it is not.
Why write and share this here?
Well… as I have alway said, this blog is simply a window into my life — raw, uncensored, honest, transparent. Good, bad and ugly.
I also find that writing is therapeutic for me. Sometimes when my mind gets running, it can just get caught in a vicious cycle of negativity. Writing helps me focus and clarify — and gives me a perspective that is always helpful.
And also I really do believe in the power of prayer… and know that many of you pray. So the added advantage to being totally open and honest is that you can pray for me more specifically.
Are there downsides to sharing like this?
Some people over-react and freak out (please don’t). Some people parse every word and try to read between the lines (there is nothing to read there). Some accuse me of playing the victim or being manipulative or such — all I can say is of that is what you think, you are probably better off not reading this blog.
So that is a little insight into where I am today… tomorrow I may be somewhere else… it is a journey indeed.