A lot of people ask me “are you happy?” or will say “it sounds like you are happy… that is good.”
Am I happy?
To be perfectly honest with you, I am not happy.
Now I am not sure life is really meant to be about the pursuit of happiness and I am quite sure that Jesus never promises happiness… but I don’t think happiness is a bad thing either.
And while I like my job and am enjoying school and beginning to re-establish a semblance of normal life… I am not happy.
I am deeply thankful. I am incredibly humbled by God’s grace. I am humbled by the people God has put in my life. I am able to play and learn and have fun at school. I even experience joy in my worship and time with Jesus.
But I am not happy.
I have lost too much, and caused too much pain, to be happy.
As I have been praying about it, I think there are three things that will need to happen in order for me to ever feel any sense of happiness.
First, reconciliation with my best friend. My hope is not that things would return to where they were. That can’t happen. But my hope is that over time we can build a new friendship. I am hopeful about this, and it is beginning to happen. The grace he has shown me is tremendous, and I am thankful for the steps we are taking to just hang out, spend some time together, and see what God will do.
Second, reconciliation with my other best friend, who also happens to be the congregant that stuff happened with. Again, I am not hoping for things to return to how they were but rather that he would fully forgive me and that we could start to build a new and lasting friendship.
Third, reconciliation with the congregation/church. Again, not a return to how things were, but a new relationship as part of the community.
I recognize that some of these things may never happen, which means that I may never be truly happy again. But I pray daily for this and will do so as long as it takes. I believe that reconciliation is at the heart of the Gospel and at the center of God’s heart. I also believe that if these could happen, it would be a great testimony to the power Christ and also healing for everyone involved. And however long it takes, I will patiently wait… and whatever I need to do, I will do.
I would appreciate your prayers for all three of these reconciliations.