The past four months have been both the toughest and most painful I have ever gone through, while at the same time a season of growth (often painful growth) and increasing intimacy with Christ. And throughout, I have had good days and bad days. Early on there were few good days and some unbelievably bad days… so bad I wasn’t sure I would make it through (or if I even wanted to!).
One of the things I really struggle with on my bad days are LIES… lies that haunt and torture me. I think sometimes these are lies from the enemy, often lies told by other people, and just as often lies I told myself.
Some of the recurring lies were these:
– You are useless and worthless now.
– You are beyond God’s love or forgiveness.
– Jesus is not bigger than your failure… you failure is bigger.
– There is no future for you.
– You will never be happy or satisfied.
– You will always be alone.
– You are a victim.
– It would have been better if you had never gone into ministry at all… you have done more damage than good.
That last one — that it would have been better if I never went into ministry at all — is the one that haunted me the most.
There was not a day that went by that I wasn’t aware of the deep hurt and pain and damage I inflicted on so many people. The burden of that knowledge was at times overwhelming unto despair. To be honest, I still have those moments… they are fewer, but they still come. And in the midst of that, it is easy for me to believe the lie that my 12 years of ministry was worthless.
I struggle with that.
Intellectually I know it is a lie.
But to be honest, it is compelling lie and an easy one to believe.
Lord, may we all see the truth… hear the truth… and live in the truth… as we follow you who are the TRUTH! Amen.