A couple of people have asked me “why are you blogging about what is going on?” Some have even been upset that I’m blogging for a variety of reasons.
I understand that there is some concern and anxiety about someone who has fallen and sinned in leadership blogging or twittering or being on Facebook. Some have suggested to me that I should just dissapear for a while — both in real life and online.
While I understand what they are saying, I disagree.
So here is why I am blogging about the situation… (1) for me; (2) for people who care about me; (3) for people who are like me; (4) for people who are not like me; and (5) for Christ.
(1) For Me
I have been living with too many secrets for too long. As a leader, I have allowed myself to fall into the trap of not having problems, having to look like I’ve got everything together, etc. I do and I don’t. (That is, I do have problems and I don’t have everything together). For the past almost five years I have been blogging about a variety of topics, but rarely personal. I have found blogging to be an important discipline and venue for me. I have developed contacts and even friendships through it. As I started to twitter and use Facebook more, I think I’ve become more personal and people have gotten a chance to know me more. So I will be blogging about the journey I am on — good, bad, and ugly. Some days will be discouraging. Others less so. I have a long journey ahead. And this blog will be a place that I can share, reflect, and also get insight and advice. One of the things I am learning is to be 100% dependent on God, I need to learn to be more dependent on others as well. I also need to learn to be more transparent. So that is part of why I am blogging. Also, over the past month, as this nightmare journey has been ongoing, being able to connect with friends (old and less old) via twitter and Facebook has helped me feel human during a time that it was always easy. I know some people get upset when they read a tweet about a good dinner I had. They want me to be miserable and sad and unhappy 24-7. All I can say is this… I am more miserable, sad, and unhappy than you could possibly imagine. And I am a human being. And I am trying desperately to seek healing and wholeness and alignment and integrity in my life. And so I still enjoy an Indian dinner and like to share that with my friends… it gives me a (very brief) moment of humanity.
(2) FOR PEOPLE WHO CARE ABOUT ME
I have been heartened over the past month by the number of people who have reached out to me, been gracious, and extended their prayers and forgivness and grace. You all have no idea how much each email, text message, tweet, or Facebook message has meant to me. I continue to covet your prayers, your wisdom, your insights, and your friendship. But it also gets hard to have to go through all the same junk with everyone. As I have good days and bad days and prayer needs and God-willing some breakthroughs… this is a way for people who care for me to stay connected. Thanks in advance for your prayers!
(3) FOR PEOPLE LIKE ME
Sadly there are a lot of people out there who are like me. Whether they struggle with sexual sin or are haunted by past mistakes or are trying to deal with their homosexual feelings in the context of faith or ministry, I know I am not alone. I also know it is easy to feel alone. I hope, frankly, that this blog might be a help to them. A warning that you’ve got to deal with your junk, a safe place to deal with it, an encouragement that maybe there is hope, and also a picture of what healing and restoration within Biblical community can look like. As you can imagine, I have been reading and looking around at everything I can get my hands on relating to these issues. Most of it has not been very helpful. I hope in some small way, as I try and deal with this stuff as a follower of Jesus, I might help others. At times in this process I have felt like the evil twin of King Midas — that everything I touch I destroy. Friendships. Ministries. You name it. I hope maybe in the midst of my brokenness, I can be of some help to others and usefulness to the Kingdom.
(4) FOR PEOPLE NOTHING LIKE ME
There are lots of people (happily) in the church today who are totally not like me. They can’t fathom the sins I have committed or how much I have messed things up. Some of them assume that either I was never a follower of Jesus or could not be now. I hope some of these people read this blog and see me for what I am: a terribly broken, sinful, messed up, person — who still loves Jesus and am committed to following Him as best I can under his grace. I am also committed to healing and a life of sexual sobriety and to reconciliation and a process of restoration. And I am not alone. I wish when I was a pastor I had been better at carving out safer places — sanctuaries! — where people could take off their mask and be totally real and known. This will never happen without people taking the risk to tell their story. My story was thrust into the public (which never feels good), but now maybe there is an opportunity for others to learn from it — even those who are nothing like me.
(5) FOR CHRIST
To be as honest as I can be, right now my life sucks. I have yet to be able to discover the myserty of “finding joy in all things”, and I am pretty miserable most of the time. But I don’t feel abandoned by God nor has my faith in God faltered at all. I also intelectually trust that God is not done with me, that grace is more than just forgiveness and pardon, but also restoration and power. While I can not yet see how any of this will end well, on faith I cling to the promise of Romans 8:28 — “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” So I trust that as things unfold, there will be better days ahead and moments of joy and authentic happiness. And I trust that this will speak of God’s power and grace and goodness. And that is a form of worship. So I will blog as testimony and as worship to God, celebrating what He is doing.