I know it has been a bit weird the last month or so… and this blog has been a bit enigmatic to say the least.
But last night at the SPCC membership meeting, my situation was (finally) full disclosed to the members. I was hopeful that this would have happened weeks ago, but that is how things have worked out.
Let me start with the basic details and update for people who don’t know what is going on…
As of May 26th, I was placed on administrative leave from the church. I am still on that leave and it will continue at least throug August. The Board has not decided what happens after that, so I won’t speculate at the moment.
My leave is the result of my own sin and I am 100% responsible for the current situation. In short, I did something I wasn’t supposed to do with someone I wasn’t supposed to do it with.
Even more, I have violated the pastoral trust placed in me by this person (who is part of the church community), the Board, our members and the entire congregation.
In one sense, the details don’t matter.
I failed morally and I am without excuse.
But in another sense, especially as I try and pick up the pieces of what is now my very shattered life, the context and details (or at least some) do matter.
In the past I have lived with way too many secrets. We are all allowed to have (and should have) private lives (even pastors), but none of us as followers of Jesus should have secret lives — least of all pastors and leaders.
So I am working hard at eliminating the secrets from my life. In fact, this blog is part of that process.
You should know that it is a totally humbling, embarrassing, shameful, and at times dehumanizing experience. The last few weeks have been hell for me — and I know that I have inflicted that hell on the people closest to me and for that I can never make ammends.
Today is a day that I can only say one thing: I am sorry. I am without excuse. I failed and am a failure. Please forgive me.
Today is not a day for explanations or context or more details. Today is not a day to talk about moving forward or what tomorrow brings.
Today is a day to simply say I AM SORRY.